Waitress, J.D.

What Happened...

2010-01-19T13:21:00.003-07:00

I just received a comment from a reader (you guys actually exist!) wondering what happened to the DA position. I loved the job, no question there. But when the county slashed the budget (not long after I started), there was a lot of talk about significant pay cuts and potential firings. I have a tendency toward anxiety and depression anyway, and that news didn't help. I had to convince them to hire me at a higher (not by much) salary than what they would normally have offered. I was still hesitant to take a job in a very expensive tourist town making about what I would make in a much less expensive town. "Oh, we'll get you a raise after 6 months," they said. That didn't happen. Money issues freaked me out. I started having regular panic attacks, and had physical symptoms of anxiety and depression (namely, insomnia, memory trouble and severe stomach pain). Finally I decided that going back into private practice would be the only way to cover all of the bills PLUS student loan payments. So I started putting my feelers out. I found an attorney who primarily did transactional work, disliked litigation, and really liked my work and the idea of being able to provide full service (transactions and litigation) to any client. So I put in my notice at the DA's office.
Hindsight is always 20/20: i would give anything for a regular salary right now, and ANY benefits whatsoever. I hope that someday I can look back and say the same thing about my decision to stick it out in small town private practice: that hindsight is 2o/20 and it will have been, someday in the future, the best decision I ever made.

One (of several) lessons learned: money isn't everything if you budget well. Another lesson learned: don't make decisions in the midst of an episode of depression! Depression and anxiety cause clouded thinking. Not only does that hurt one's ability to perform well at work, but it also impairs one's ability to make significant life decisions! Another lesson: listen to your instincts! Mine told me it was not a good idea (for many reasons) not to move up to the mountains for a low-paying job. The cost of living was high, the salary low, and the opportunities for my husband to find good work almost non-existent. But instead of listening to my gut, I listened to my parents who told me to take whatever job came along.

Staying Positive

2010-01-19T09:16:00.003-07:00

Last week was my first week back at it in private practice in Ski Town, USA. I took a few months to try to find a different gig that wasn't practicing law and that would pay (my total earnings in September and October of last year were less than $2000). I got a lot of people telling me that I was overqualified, and a whole lot of non-response from even more potential employers. I finally came to the conclusion that, if I want to do the right thing and pay off my student loan and credit card debt while also putting food on the table, I would have to figure out a way to make it work as a lawyer.

I have applied for a few jobs in Denver/Boulder. Was rejected by one, haven't heard a peep from the others. To stave off boredom, I decided to give it a go with the solo practitioner that I started working for last fall. Last week was my first week back and I managed to accumulate 15 hours of billable time. If I can bill 15 hours every week, I can make what I was originally making as a DA (before salary cuts). Of course, that depends on people paying their bills. I don't see a dime until clients pay up. That ends up meaning I have no idea what my income will be next month. Try making a budget like that! Even better, try telling the creditors that are threatening legal action against you that you will pay whenever you get someone to pay you more than $100. HA! This week (it is only Tuesday), I have very little to do. I hope to get about 10 hours of billable time this week. So I continue to apply for jobs in Denver, even though my husband would prefer to stay here in Ski Town and earn $11/hour. I want very much for him to be happy, and I do love my 3-mile commute, but I would also like to be able to pay for the gas for my short commute! So far, that isn't happening.

But I am trying not to let the "yeah buts" and negative thoughts get the better of me. Trying to stay positive. Negative thinking can be completely paralyzing and is often completely illogical. If it is meant to be, the business will keep coming in, and I will make clients happy enough with my work that they will want to pay me. The upshot of working in a small town for a solo practitioner is that I get to define my schedule and how and when I will work. I will gladly trade in the big bucks for a decent living that includes a great quality of life. Stay positive, stay positive...I am competent, intelligent and capable!

Progress, Not Perfection

2009-12-20T14:49:00.002-07:00

Perfection as a character defect has been coming up in my world a lot lately. It's kinda like the universe has a huge lesson for me to learn and I am just not getting it. So it keeps coming up.
I just got back from a run a little while ago. Actually, it was a walk-run. I didn't go for very long (30 minutes) and I didn't go very far. In fact, I am resisting the temptation to even map the run online because I don't want to know. I don't want to put myself in the position of being disappointed in myself.

While going slowly in the 20-something temperature, I was thinking about the notion of "progress, not perfection" that is often discussed in the rooms of AA, NA and all sorts of As. Apparently, those of us with addiction problems tend to be perfectionists, thus setting ourselves up for repeated failure by some self-imposed standard that is completely unrealistic. My doctor and counselor have both been pointing out to me that my self-sabotaging ways are really fear of failure. In other words, a need to be perfect. If I fear that I just don't have what it takes to be the best (which, let's face it, is all of the time), I give up. I have done this repeatedly throughout my life. Law school was a good example: I had a lot of balls in the air, was on the verge of learning how to prioritize and focus to the best of my ability, when I got overwhelmed and just gave up. Yes, I graduated. But I didn't give it my all. It's like I have this need to always strive to be good enough, but in the back of my mind I know - because I've gotten the message loud and clear since childhood - that no matter what I do, it won't be good enough and I'll need to do better next time. At some point, I got tired of bothering with next time. If what I do isn't good enough, why bother?

This is not a good motivator. This is existing as what my counselor refers to as a "human doing." I am pretty sure I am a human BEING. And as far as I know, there is no human being who is perfect. Why should I impose the same impossible standard on myself?
Here is the new progress not perfection method of living my life: I don't have to win all of my cases (seriously, if I do end up practicing law, which I enjoy for the most part, I can't expect to win all the time), but I do have to do the best I can; if I don't have time for a whole one hour workout, 30 minutes is better than nothing; I don't have to neglect posting on this blog just because I don't feel like I am going to write something that will be moving to someone who may happen to read it; and finally, failure is an essential part of success. If I don't even bother trying for fear of failing (or success that isn't "good enough"), how can I ever grow into the self-assured, content woman that I long to be?

Tomorrow I will look forward to another walk-run (or maybe just a walk, if my legs don't feel energized) at an easy pace that will allow me to work through some of the mess in my soul. Sometimes, slowing down and releasing any expectations makes for a much more fulfilling time on the trail.

Ah, the life of a government employee

2009-07-23T13:42:00.003-06:00

I made the jump back into prosecution at the beginning of the year. I applied for a job as a Deputy District Attorney in my former adopted hometown of Steamboat Springs. Amazingly, I was offered the job the day after being interviewed. The downside? The salary. The salary would have been perfect had we not had to move to an expensive ski town. But my husband was still out of work, and I hadn't found what I was looking for on the Front Range (not that I even knew what I was looking for). So I managed to get a little more money than what was originally offered, with the assumption that I would get a raise after a year. Guess what is going to happen instead? The county is in such a financial crisis that all employees' salaries are being cut. So right when I REALLY need to start paying those law school loans (you can only do so many forebearances and I no longer qualify for an economic hardship deferral) and making more money, I'll be making less.

I love my job. I love being a prosecutor. I think the world of our elected. But, alas, even waiting tables as a second job is not a viable option, because I will be in constant contact with people who will likely become defendants or victims in my courtroom. (Should I worry that I continue to use waitressing as a fall-back option even now that I am a licensed attorney?) In the mountains, you do what you have to do to make ends meet. But I am really tired of barely scraping by, paycheck to paycheck. Sometimes I want to kick myself for leaving the job with the firm in Greeley. But they were insisting that I move to Greeley. I was happy where we were. Moving up here, on the other hand, was almost a no-brainer. I love it here, my husband loves it here, and it is a friendly, beautiful place to live. So we still have a place in Longmont, we rent a slightly smaller place here for significantly more money, and can barely afford the groceries each month.

That's why I decided to take yet another leap of faith and go back into private practice. Main street law. I have a friend and former co-worker who started his own firm in 2003, and he is ready for an associate. It could be very good for both of us. Hopefully, I'll be able to bill enough (and collect enough) to make more than what I am making now. That amounts to a whopping 65 hours per month. I know that I can handle that and then some...it's just a matter of getting the business and getting people to pay their bills (another advantage of having worked as a waitress is that I am good at getting people to pay when they try to avoid the issue).

Am I crazy to leave a stable job for uncertainty? Or am I looking out for the best interests of my family? We'll see how it goes. So far the people I have told have said that they are thrilled and think it is a terrific move.

Eventually, I'll find my niche.

Waitress, Esq.

2008-06-12T09:22:00.003-06:00

Well, now, that just DOESN'T sound quite as good as "Waitress, J.D." However, at least now all the stuff my lawschool sends to me that says "Waitress, Esq." and my CU Alumni Association Card (which also says "Waitress, Esq.) will be right.

WTF? Yes, on round 3 of grading of my third attempt at that little quiz they call the Colorado Bar Exam, I passed. I passed on the first grading, failed on the second, and passed on the third.

NOW I GET TO BE A DIRT LAWYER!!!!!!!!!!! HOORAY!

Okay, for those of you who don't know, "Dirt Law" is the more fun way of saying "Real Estate Law." Of course, I will remain as part of the litigation team. My personality, apparently, is just not cut out for the life of a transactional attorney (I thrive on adrenaline, like to make smart ass remarks, analyze everything, and think quickly on my feet).

THE BEST PART...THE WAITING IS FINALLY OVER. I CAN BREATHE A HUGE SIGH OF RELIEF, AND MOVE ON WITH MY LIFE WITHOUT THE AMBIGUITY OF THE BAR RESULTS HANGING OVER MY HEAD. aaaaahhhhhhhh.

"You're Not Being Fired Yet..."

2008-06-10T11:36:00.004-06:00

It isn't a good sign when you hear those words from your boss's mouth. I did, just about an hour ago. She wants to take me to lunch tomorrow to talk to me about how I can be better and whether or not I really want to be here. She brings up valid points, but the truth is that I don't have the luxury of deciding where I want to be - I want to be (and have to be) wherever I can get a good paycheck. Those places are few and far between, between the liability of a J.D. and the lack of solid, long-term experience in any one field (except waitressing and bartending) prior to lawschool.
She is convinced that if I pass the bar exam, I will bolt for the DA's office. First of all, the only DA's offices in Colorado that hire regularly are in Greeley (which is even further east than the firm I currently work for and thus my commute would be 15 minutes longer than it currently is) and Fort Morgan, which may as well be in Nebraska (no offense to Huskers, until we get to football season). To get a job at a DA's office in Colorado is like getting a good bartending gig in a ski town: someone has to tear an ACL or die.
Second, and more importantly, I haven't passed the bar exam. It is in the hands of a bored, tired exam grader who is trying to keep people from passing.
Third, I know how tough it is to find a job as an attorney in Colorado. I have several friends, all licensed in Colorado, who never did find jobs. Some had the money to start their own practice, and others have moved into entirely different career fields. Some are bartending.
Luckily, I have already applied for a job as a Victim Specialist at a DA's office in the jurisdiction where I live. I hope I get an interview, whether I pass that stupid little quiz on appeal or not.
What a crappy day.
I want to drink. I want to drown. I want to die.
You know what I'll do instead? I'll go do some errands. I'll call my AA sponsor. I'll go the the women's meeting that I enjoy so much tonight. I'll accept that this is just part of what I need to learn to handle without getting drunk.

It Gets Better

2008-05-13T09:20:00.002-06:00

As if failing the bar exam by one point and finding out that I had passed on the first grading isn't enough, I finally opened my score packet yesterday (even though I received it Saturday, I didn't have the guts to look at it until yesterday) and...first grading = 279! I know that 279 out of a possible 400 points (does anybody ever get a perfect score?) is not much, but when passing is 276 or higher, knowing that I passed on the first grading by more than I failed on the second grading is both annoying and gives me hope.

Do I really want to be a member of a club that goes to such great lengths to keep me out? And lets people in who turn out to be embarrassingly crappy attorneys?

ONE POINT?!?!!!!!!!!!!!

2008-05-12T09:02:00.005-06:00

One point. One tiny little point keeps me from entering the ranks of licensed attorneys in Colorado. ONE f-ing point! When I finally opened my score report last weekend (it arrived in the mail the day after I didn't see my name on the list), I saw that number - 275 - and just didn't know how to react. On the one hand, I was thrilled that I had done significantly better than either of the previous two attempts, and being within 3 points of passing means that my test is eligible for review. On the other hand, I just want the whole episode to be over with. This means another period of waiting anxiously to find out if a grader somewhere can come up with another point to put me into the passing zone. This was difficult to handle, to say the least, especially after crafting an outlook on the whole debacle that would allow me to proceed through life in peace, whether or not I ever attempt the bar again.

On Friday of last week, I spoke with the person at the board of law examiners who is in charge of my application file. Despite the letter that arrived with my score that explained that score packets wouldn't be available until Monday (today), I sent in my request for my packet and it was ready on Friday. She wanted to make sure she sent it to the correct address. She was very friendly, and asked how much I had missed by - I told her one point. She sounded sympathetic, and then said that looking at my essay score sheets she could see places where I could pick up a few points. In fact, she told me, I passed the exam on the first grading of my exam. WHAT?!?!? Back to emotional confusion: hopeful that at least I have the ability to pass, and that perhaps the next grader to look at my essays will find at least one of the points the first grader found. Then anger: why do they need to put me through this? One more hoop that I must jump through! A few more weeks of emotional purgatory while I await the decision of grader #3.

In the meantime, no matter what the result, I will take care of myself. I allowed myself enough time to feel sorry for myself and to numb the pain of not passing (I will not use that particular f word). Yesterday was the first day I didn't have a drink. Not a drop. Had trouble sleeping last night, but who cares. Esq. or not, I deserve to be healthy and to develop a toolbox for dealing with life's curveballs that does not include the tool in a bottle. But, honestly, I really really hope to be able to add that Esq. after my name in a few weeks...

So now I will focus on doing well at my job, contemplating my true nature and my "calling," and take everything one day at a time. Today, I will work on admitting to myself and those of you reading that when it comes to booze, I can't have just one. I am the liquor version of the cokehead people call vacuum cleaner. Well, maybe not quite that bad. I will leave some in the bottle and go to bed, whereas the vacuum cleaner will lick plates and search an entire apartment for a little smidge to inhale. Alcohol is cunning, baffling and powerful, and it has me whipped.

Sometimes Blessings Come in Strange Ways

2008-05-01T10:07:00.003-06:00

The results were posted yesterday on the Colorado Supreme Court's website. Guess who's name was NOT on the list? That's right, I failed the bar exam for my THIRD time. I have never studied so hard for anything in my life. But the question I am asking myself (for the second May in a row) is, did I really want it? Do I really want to be a practicing attorney?

I did a fair share of crying, unlike the second time I found out that I hadn't passed. This time, like the first time, I am working at a job where I am challenged and enjoy the opportunity to learn something new nearly every day. I am rarely bored. I am doing the work that a lawyer does, except someone else's name goes on the bottom of the pleadings. I was looking forward to being a "real" lawyer at this firm. Today, however, I have a different perspective. I am not bitter. Rather, I consider myself blessed. Abundantly blessed.

The two litigators that I primarily support took me to lunch yesterday to prevent me from wallowing in sorrow all day (I did, after all, have a complaint to finish by the end of the day yesterday). They pointed out the numerous positive aspects of my current job as a paralegal/law clerk: I get paid vacations (minuscule amounts, sure, but the lawyers get paid based on what they bill, not a salary, so time off is time not billed), I don't have the same billable hour pressures that the attorneys do, I don't have to work more than 40 hours a week (in fact, I am not allowed to unless there is an emergency and the partners approve overtime for me), I don't have to worry about malpractice or Rule 11 sanctions, I don't have to deal with the stress of being in court, and it is much easier to achieve the oh-so-elusive to lawyers "work-life balance." And, perhaps best of all, I have fantastic coworkers who absolutely love me.

LLA (Lead litigation attorney) also pointed out that this is a great opportunity for me to think about what I really want to do. Despite the fact that she wants to work with me in whatever capacity for the rest of her career (and I DO have that kind of job stability), she encouraged me to take some career interest and aptitude assessments. She also pointed out that there are a lot of jobs (though I know, as do most of you who read this blog, that those are pretty tough to get into, as everyone who sees "J.D." on a resume assumes you really want to be a lawyer) where a law degree is an asset and being licensed is not required.

So, at the end of yesterday, despite the red nose (why did I choose to wear a red and black shirt yesterday - it really emphasized the redness in my nose) and puffy eyes, I realized that the world is my oyster and that I am blessed. I have a wonderful, supportive husband, a great job where I get to do a lot of lawyer things without the lawyer stress, money to pay the bills, and now, time to work on me. Here's my plan: get sober for ME, not because of the bar exam. I am worth it, and sobriety is good for me. Get adjusted to my new medications and new diagnosis. Work with my therapist on all the emotional issues that have been clogging my personal growth for so many years. Work on being more open to the plan God has for me, and seek my true calling and run down that path in health and with passion and excitement.

Today, I start that journey toward true health, mental, physical and spiritual that will lead me to my purpose in this life.

My deepest condolences to others in my position. I hope that the attitude I have expressed here can be of some help. But those of you who have read my past postings know that there is a part of me that was never really sold on the idea of being a lawyer. Sure, I am really good at it. But I am good at a lot of things. Just because I am good at it doesn't mean it is the greatest use of my God-given gifts.

Finally, huge congratulations to those who did see their names on the list.

Anticipation

2008-04-28T09:52:00.002-06:00

This is the week. THE week. The week that I will find out if I am a "real" lawyer and can put "Esq." behind my name, or whether I am relegated to another 6 months of doing lawyer work at a paralegal rate and having no choice whatsoever in where I work. (Not that I NEED choice, I like where I work, it is more that I have always been the type of person who feels more secure knowing that I can get work anywhere I end up - so if my husband gets a job that requires us to move closer to his work and further from mine, I think I'd be better off having the "Esq." behind my name.)

I am a little nervous, yes. Not nearly as nervous today as I will be on Wednesday night. My in-laws are coming to town on Thursday night, which also happens to be my husband's birthday and THE DAY. Inhale. Exhale. I think that I will do my best to bury myself in my work (I have several client letters to write today and tomorrow and some research to work on) and workout hard in the mornings. I will release my anxiety by regrouping and focusing on my breath. I will not drink the anxiety away, but instead will curl up with a cup of herbal tea and a good book in the evenings. Breathe. No matter what, somehow, it will be okay.

They Didn't Teach Us How to Do This Stuff in Law School

2008-04-03T10:19:00.003-06:00

One of my assignments for the week is to draft a motion for relief from the automatic stay in a bankruptcy case. The bankruptcy is that of someone who is a defendant in a two-year old lawsuit by one of our clients. The suit is set for trial in July.

Now I took bankruptcy in the last semester of law school. I did okay in that class. But I do not have a clue about how to write a motion for a relief from the automatic stay or why we are asking for one. Okay, I know we are asking for one so that we can continue to pursue the money damages our client is seeking against this person in the civil suit. Beyond that, I haven't a clue.

They don't teach you how to practice law in law school. The result is that I get these cool-sounding assignments and have absolutely NO CLUE how to go about doing them. This is an awful situation for someone who wants to do everything RIGHT or near perfect or perfect, if possible. I need divine intervention. Or the balls to seriously screw this up.

One Month To Go

2008-04-02T10:08:00.003-06:00

Colorado Bar results are scheduled to be posted on May 2, 2008. That is one month from today. I am somewhat terrified. I am terrified because passing will mean more options (at least theoretically) for where I work and the type of work I do. I am terrified because if I don't pass again, I will feel stuck in an inescapable rut. I am terrified because my in-laws (fantastic people) will be visiting during that time and I don't want to have them see me go through failure again.

What if I don't pass? I really don't want to think about that, but today, for some reason, it is hitting me as a possibility that I need to deal with. I will be stuck in a job as a paralegal 33 miles away from home. I want - desperately want - to work closer to home. So I can find a paralegal job closer to home. Or one of those elusive "alternative" careers. Or I can start working toward getting myself positioned in a job that allows me to pursue my interest in social services and mental health. At least I will still be employed, one way or the other. But I desperately hope that I do pass, as nearly 6 months have gone by since my husband was laid off and he still hasn't found a job. I need to make more money to be able to pay all of the bills, unless he gets a job soon. Needless to say, I am very anxious about that situation, although I know it is beyond my control at this point.

One day at a time...focus on the job I have now, supporting my husband in whatever ways I can, and taking care of myself. That is all I can do. One day at a time.

Well, I'd better pass now

2008-03-25T09:57:00.003-06:00

My husband is the most loving, thoughtful man in the world. For my birthday, he decided to unearth my law degree from under the pile of miscellaneous stuff hiding it from my wrath and have it framed. He didn't just go buy some cheap frame from a craft store or WalMart. He went to a place where people do nothing but frame things: art, diplomas, family photos, etc. He picked out a beautiful frame: deep reddish-brown wood with classy black trim, and chose a black mat with gold trim on the interior of the mat to match my school's colors. He picked it up on Friday before leaving for his weekend snowboard trip with his guy friends. It was wrapped in plain green paper, and although I knew what it was (he had already told me), I didn't want to open it until he returned. Especially since, on the green paper covering the framed piece of mostly useless paper were the words "Je T'Adore" in his writing. I looked at that all weekend and thought that by itself was worth framing. Last night, I opened it, being careful not to rip the paper with the beautiful words of love on it. Well, there's no burning my law degree now. The frame in which it rests is far too beautiful, not just physically, but symbolically because of the love it represents.

So I had darn well better pass the bar exam. I will hide it away in shame again if I don't. And this time, it will be more difficult (and heartbreaking) to do so. Even if I do not pass, the beauty of the frame and the love that went into selecting it will be a reminder to me to cherish the things that diploma represents beyond a degree which I often feel is useless: many struggles overcome, including an abusive relationship, codependence and my own dependence on various substances (especially alcohol), depression, anxiety, and hopelessness DURING the arduous task of getting through law school. That diploma represents not only that I somehow made it through the terror of law school, but that I made it through despite being left nearly emotionally and spiritually murdered by years of abuse that culminated during those three years. That diploma, now beautifully framed, reminds me that some tiny piece of me held on, that there was barely a spark left from which to reignite my life and my hope for any sort of happy future for myself. I survived, and now I have the opportunity to push forward with grace and to hopefully someday thrive. And I don't have to do it alone - that frame also symbolizes the extraordinary love of a man who believes in everything I do, who would give me the world if he could. If someone like that can love me so much, maybe it is time to start loving myself, despite all my past mistakes and poor choices...

Tick Tock...

2008-03-10T16:24:00.002-06:00

Could the day possibly pass by any more slowly? It has been exceptionally quiet in the office today, even among the usually fun and talkative litigation team. I have been avoiding that side of the office (I am geographically isolated from the rest of the litigation team, which is fine by me) after I welcomed the other litigation paralegal back from her vacation and she was very UNfriendly. Haven't seen her since before I left for my study month. I think that pissed her off, because it meant she had to make a one-week change in her bi-monthly vacation. She is definitely the grudge-holding type and apparently she still has one against me. That is fine by me, as well. Although it will certainly make most days at work pretty uncomfortable. There are 11 people total in the office today - it's not like I work in a large enough environment to enjoy avoiding people for extended periods.
I have a feeling that if I do pass the bar and the firm decides that its usual requirement that associates live in Greeley doesn't apply to me, she will be as UNhelpful to me as possible. Hopefully, if that unlikely event occurs (me passing the bar AND the firm not requiring me to move to Greeley to become an associate), I will get my own paralegal and not ever have to give her work. I can tell you right now she won't do it. That's fine. Just that she's had 6 freakin' weeks to get over her problem with me wanting to pass the f-ing bar exam and taking a leave of absence and she still is visibly disgusted with me.
I hate pettiness.
I also hate being bored at work. There is not a whole lot going on. I don't want to tackle this research project, because the attorney that asked me to do it asked me to do another one and when I was halfway through, I decided to give her an update on where I was and she told me the issue had been taken care of. So that was a bunch of wasted time and effort on my part. My billable hours are low so far this billing period, even for a paralegal. The requirements for billable hours are very reasonable, but when all you are given are letters to proofread, you can't reach any sort of goal.
Ok, so while I am on the complaining track, my leg hurts! It feels like a cross between a strained muscle and the kind of soreness you get when you have the flu. I stretched fairly well after my treadmill workout this morning. But it just doesn't feel like that kind of soreness. Maybe I will get sick and will be able to stay home tomorrow. Check out what tomorrow will look like otherwise: drive 33 miles from Longmont (home) to Greeley (work), pick up the boss who still doesn't have full function in her right foot after surgery and thus can't drive, drive her to Denver (nearly 60 miles south, going past Longmont on the way) and spend the day watching her get coached on doing oral arguments before the Court of Appeals, then drive back (60 miles) from Denver to Greeley, then back south 33 miles to home in Longmont. In fact, my legs hurt just thinking about it. So does my bank account, the way gas prices have been (and chances are slim to none that I will be reimbursed for the trip). Why can't the other litigation paralegal (who lives in Greeley and wouldn't be driving all over Colorado) do the taxi driving? I would be very interested in learning about oral arguments and watching some at the Court of Appeals, but not if it means driving nearly 200 miles to do it! Oh, yeah, she's a prima donna and gets whatever she wants. And it would be too much to ask HER to drive to Denver. But it's not too much to ask me to drive from home (roughly the midpoint between Greeley and Denver) to here, then clear south again and back and then back home. Ick. I need some sort of divine intervention...please help!

"So, How'd It Go?"

2008-03-06T11:48:00.002-07:00

The interrogations after the bar exam include: "How do you think you did?" and "Did you pass?" and "How'd it go?" I mostly dealt with those questions the day after the exam upon returning to work. Dazed, exhausted, and jaded, my canned response was "We'll find out in May." Unfortunately, one of the attorneys in my (small - 8 attorneys) office was on vacation. Upon returning this morning he popped into my office and scared the heck out of me because I was focused on reading a case about condemnation of railroad property. Then he asked it: "How'd it go?" I gave the canned response. He pushed me further. I know he didn't mean any harm, but I just want to put the darn thing behind me until May, and then again once I know whether or not my name is on the list. I am also feeling extremely down, insecure, sad, angry, I don't know what else, and just really want to be left alone.

He said he thought for sure that he'd failed. Did I ever have that feeling any of the three times that I took it? No, not really. I vaguely recall the first time thinking I might have passed, because I felt so confident about the essays. But after that first experience, I just don't have any expectations. It could go either way. I have no idea. Please don't remind me. If I don't pass this time, I will have spent nearly $10,000 in course fees and test registration fees, not to mention transportation and lodging. If I do pass, great, but can we just not think about it until May?

Lost Again

2008-03-05T10:38:00.003-07:00

Do I REALLY want to be a lawyer? Oh, wait, I never really DID want to be a lawyer. How the heck did I get sucked into this? You know all I can think about right now is finding a job that will allow me to provide for me and my husband. Poor guy is frustrated as can be; he's been unemployed for 5 months and despite fantastic experience and a solid work history, he has been passed over for a whole lot of jobs. I know how he feels. Of course, everything that I lack on my resume (a logical trajectory of work experience with increasing responsibility and knowledge, along with longer periods of time at each job), he has. Hopefully, he'll get some more interviews soon and he will land a job soon. Last night, he started talking about going back to school full time. He thinks the reason he's getting passed over is because he didn't finish his undergraduate degree. The depressing thing about that to me is that he is incredibly intelligent and has great business sense and is more intelligent than most college grads. More intelligent, in fact, than a lot of law school grads who have passed the f-ing bar!
I want a job that pays well, that has a fair amount of vacation and sick time so that I don't have to be the earner who leaves her family wanting for attention; I want a job that has great health benefits so that I don't have to worry about a large percentage of my paycheck going toward healthcare. I want a job that doesn't pay on a commission-style basis so that I don't have to work killer hours in order to bring in a decent living. I want to be able to pay our bills. You'd think that I could find that kind of job. Not with a law degree. Options for someone who graduated near the bottom of the class and has no (or very few) references: work for yourself (good boss, but health insurance is impossible to afford) or work for a very small firm (hopefully good people, but very little paid time off, if any, and insurance is unaffordable). Great. What do I do? I just want to be able to provide for us while my husband pursues HIS goals. Interesting that when I was in lawschool (with the idea that I'd ultimately be able to get a job to contribute more to the family, which was the awful ex at the time) that I paid for all the living expenses, didn't work, he did, and now I have credit card debt coming out of my pores because of it and that is part of why I can't support myself and my husband. Shitty, huh?

I am desperately looking for an "alternative" career that pays a decent salary, has a decent paid time off policy, and solid health insurance coverage. If you know anyone who could use a team-player, intelligent, computer-savvy, quick learning, efficient, business-savvy, highly skilled woman with a great attitude, please let me know. Thanks.

So glad it's over

2008-03-04T11:49:00.002-07:00

One week later, and I am still tired from the Bar exam. This time around, I had more energy through the entire two days (despite difficulty sleeping) and actually remember the topics that were tested on the essay portion. As for the MBE, well, who knows. I survived.

I think that is all I can muster for the moment. I just wanted to let the blog world know that I am alive, if only a little.

On An Extended Study Break

2008-02-14T09:38:00.003-07:00

To everyone (all, like, 3 of you) who read this blog, I just wanted to say that I am going to disappear for a while. I'll likely reappear about the end of the month. Hmmmm...I wonder why. ;)
Best of luck to all the people in the same bar exam repeater boat that I am in. My heart and thoughts are with you. We are in this together! Think positive thoughts about your abilities and make sure to get enough rest in the few days before the exam!

Oh, and for all of you, including one I had never heard from (special luck to you on the NY bar, that's the reason I didn't move home to be near my parents, LOL) before who commented on my last posting: Thank you so very much. I build giant mountains out of practically nothing, and internalize everything. Years of therapy behind me, and many more ahead. But I am finally with a man who will not exacerbate those feelings of worthlessness when I feel that I have done something less than perfect. He takes equal responsibility for the awkward times that we encounter, and we move on. My husband is the man who convinced me that I am smart enough to pass the bar exam, worthy enough to have a wonderful relationship, and worthy enough to have a healthy, happy life. We are on a journey together, learning how to be in a healthy, loving and supportive relationship, despite the presence of the bar exam and a potential career as a lawyer after that. It's already been a long, strange trip for me, and now I have a great man to share it with!
Thanks for all of the kind words and advice. You all were right.

Best of luck, hugs, and sunshine and rainbows to you all in these nerve-wracking days leading up to the bar exam.

Adieu, for now.

WJD.

Sad Girl in a Coffee Shop

2008-02-07T14:23:00.000-07:00

Sitting in a corner in a coffee shop, close to tears, downloading ExamSoft so that I can take the essay portion of the bar exam on my laptop. This seems somehow surreal. I just got email confirmations that both the AM and PM sessions have been downloaded to my computer. 2/26/08. Today is 2/7/08. Will my brain be able to function for those two days? Will I be able to stay awake so that I won't just start randomly guessing when I see a painfully long and convoluted contracts question on the MBE?

I'll be fine. Not drinking, though it is something of a pain in the ass, is helping more info stick to the flypaper of my brain. I feel much less cloudy. Did I stop drinking soon enough? I won't worry about that now. What I am worried about is how not drinking has made it clear that my husband and I don't talk all that much. Not out of contempt or anything close to that, but we are both kinf of quiet types. Altough there have been a few very tense exchanges between us in the past few days. I decided to come to the coffee shop a) because there is wireless internet so that I could download the exam software, and b) because another one of those tense exchanges occurred. It makes me sad beyond explanation. He had errands to do, as well, and I probably would have been best off just staying at home and doing practice questions. But I needed to get out of there, I couldn't wait to see if he would leave. His coat was on before mine, as were his gloves and sunglasses, and he was out the door before me. He was kind enough to leave the door open for me, as I was not far behind. I was only five feet behind him as we were walking to our cars. His is parked in our assigned spot, so he turned left on the sidewalk. I continued straight to where my car was parked in the "guest" parking. Normally, we would stop at the intersection of the sidewalk, embrace and kiss each other good bye. Not today. Not a look, not a word.

I am happy that my husband has decided to quit drinking and smoking and start exercising. He quit drinking partly to support my efforts, partly because of his own issues. The others have just naturally followed. As a workout fanatic, I am thrilled. But I can't help but think that, despite living similar, healthier lifestyles, we will grow apart. I can't help but think that I will be taking the bar exam in another state a year from now. Maybe that is PMS speaking, or the craving for a cocktail (largely driven by the sense of impending relationship doom), but I can't escape the feeling. So here I sit in a corner in a comfy chair in a coffee shop, avoiding the return trip home, even though it is just a little too noisy in here for me to study (I brought the Strategies and Tactics book with me). I just feel sad. I knew our relationship would change because of our mutual sobriety and quest for health, but I didn't know it would end up with so many tense moments.

Maybe it's not as gloomy as I portray it: last night, when I went downstairs after my evening study session was done, he said, "hello, beautiful!" He also randomly started rubbing my shoulders yesterday morning right when I was feeling extremely frustrated with my admin law essay assignment. Sometimes he just says or does the right thing at just the right moment. I love him...I hope that sobriety and the bar exam don't drive us apart.

Oh So Tired

2008-01-29T16:33:00.000-07:00

My afternoon schedule was seriously thrown off today by a) a late morning meltdown about the homework i am supposed to be doing for the essays and b) a need to fall asleep so strong that I almost fell asleep before finishing my goal of 50 practice MBE questions (10 in each subject). I ultimately fell asleep sitting upright in my desk chair while reviewing my answers. That was it: I knew not even a cup of coffee was going to help! I set my watch alarm for 30 minutes, and crawled into bed. I hope that doesn't happen during the bar exam itself, although it did on the afternoon of day 2 (MBE day) in July 2006. I could barely keep my eyes open.

I need rest, but I really need study! I don't think I can review the MBE subjects enough! I did terribly in my sets of ten yesterday (ok, I got 8 out of 10 on Conlaw, and all but Torts were 5-6 out of 10 while Torts was only 2 out of 10). Last night I reviewed my mini outlines for Torts and Conlaw and today got 10 out of 10 and 8 out of 10, respectively. The others were 5-6 out of 10. I will review those outlines tonight. But seriously, if I don't keep reviewing those things, they fall out of my brain in a week.

The worst thing is how frustrated I ma with my bar review course's homework for the essays. I listen to lectures for each subject that wasn't covered in MBE review, then go through the Colorado Practice essays and for each one state each issue and corresponding rule of law. As those of you who have taken the Colorado essays before know, those sample answers and the points list give points for stating the obvious ("This is a negotiable instrument"). My course has handouts that we are supposed to use in doing this exercise. The handouts are of little help, as they don't cover the things that Colorado essays focus on. For example, in Commercial Paper, my course would have us define the elements of a negotiable instrument when, in fact, Colorado doesn't give points for anything beyond stating that an instrument is negotiable. Colorado focuses on the difference between bearer paper and order paper and the rights and liabilities of each party in various situations, particularly forgery, but my course kinda glosses over those things. Sure, to some extent it is helpful, and the course has a great way of organizing one's essays, but the homework piece of writing out the issues and rules of law for each practice essay seems futile, unless I want to go through the answers and write out the points from the score sheet. Which is how I developed my essay outlines to begin with back in 06. I really want to focus on the MBE and not worry so much about the essays, not put the type of work in that I am supposed to for my course. The good news (I think) is that my course's Secured Transactions handout that accompanies the lecture seems to be closer to my outline. Maybe that one will be easier.
Okay, back to studying. Husband said I couldn't go to the liquor store to get beverages for later.

Wasted Week

2008-01-27T16:41:00.000-07:00

Not only did I accomplish little to speak of during my last week of work, but I have accomplished exactly nothing over the course of this weekend. I did manage to feel a little hungover both days. That's about it. I have spent the past 20 minutes getting the dining room table ready for my studying - clearing off enough space so that where my laptop sits won't feel too cluttered. My laptop is set up, ready to go, and I even have a study schedule. Tomorrow morning I will do practice MBE questions using the study software that came with the bar review materials I purchased (I've been really happy with the lectures and outlines...check out PassYourBar.com). Then an hour for lunch or just chilling out, then spend the afternoon reviewing essay outlines for a couple of subjects and then doing a couple practice essays. Then break for dinner. Then, assuming I have energy, review flashcards or my MBE outlines.

And yes, I intend to continue getting up early every morning to workout. The energy and mental clarity morning workouts give me is worth battling the freezing cold to scrape the ice of my windshield before going to the gym!

I just hope that I can be disciplined and use these next few weeks to study to a point that I feel completely prepared going into the bar exam. I want to be far more confident than I am right now. I am seriously unsure that I have enough stored in my head to pass. But I am confident that I have what it takes to pass and that I will be fully prepared come February 26.

The Demons in My Head

2008-01-25T11:35:00.000-07:00

This morning, I should have been thrilled. Thrilled that after today, I will be able to put all of my energy, both mental and physical, into studying for the bar exam. Instead, I felt sad and miserable.

This entire week has been a waste, although I did manage each night to go through some Evidence and Conlaw flashcards. I don't know how much actually sank in, since I was so darn tired. I am exhausted. I feel like I wasted a week and as a result am probably behind. Somewhere deep in my heart/head, I know that is not true. But all of my demons crept out of their holes this morning and the confidence that I felt just a couple of weeks ago has dissipated. I felt like crying, even while running on the treadmill! Will I be disciplined enough to use my time wisely? Will I just crash? Can I remember everything I need to remember? Will I be able to pass?

Oh, please, demons, be gone! Don't ruin it this time for me!

Is it Friday Yet?

2008-01-22T16:05:00.000-07:00

Yawn...I am going against my usual rules and having a cup of coffee. It is 4:00pm. The rule is no coffee after 10am. If I must have caffeine, I limit it to green tea. But over the last week or two, I have been hitting a wall around 3 or 4pm, so I turn to coffee. The coffee barely has an effect.

SO TIRED! I've barely been getting any studying done when I get home in the evenings, as my brain is fried from work. My body is tired, my mind is tired, and I just want a break. Thankfully, this is my last week at work until after the bar exam. Hopefully having just ONE thing that requires my intellect will ease the exhaustion a bit.

Is it Friday yet? I really just want to go home, have a vodka and diet 7up and watch bad tv with my husband.

Let me beat myself up just a little harder

2008-01-19T11:56:00.000-07:00

Of course he apologized, and I apologized. We kissed. But I still felt crappy. When I act like a jerk (even though he, too, acted like a bit of a jerk), I get really down on myself and all those feelings of not deserving anything, especially a great guy like my husband overwhelm me. I started imagining my parents, and how they never communicated well, if at all. I started thinking that we were turning into my parents. So even after he went to bed last night, I drank myself to sleep on the couch. Then went to bed sometime after midnight (yes, we are kinda old and go to bed by 11pm).

This morning, we hugged and kissed and he reminded me that sometimes things won't be perfect but that doesn't change how we feel about each other. I love love love my husband.

I wish I weren't working on essays scrambling to get my homework done in time for my call with my coach in an hour and a half. I really should just spend some time cuddling with him on the couch. After working out...haven't been to the gym since Wednesday. Ugh. My sweetie definitely deserves to have me staying fit. Besides, a good workout is the world's best mood-mender.

Okay, back to agency and partnership...then on to corporations...

Nice attempt

2008-01-18T20:16:00.000-07:00

Yeah, now I know he really doesn't like me. After 30 minutes, he came upstairs. Normally, he'd open the door and say hi. This time, he got to the top of the stairs and said "hey baby." when I didn't respond he said ok and went back downstairs. Yes, I am a bitch. You know what he would have done just one month ago? Come in and tried to talk it out with me, present his side and understand my side. Not anymore. Fuck it.

Career in the law = failure in relationships

2008-01-18T19:57:00.001-07:00

Apparently, I am always right, and that makes communication with my husband nearly impossible. He was saying something (in response to a tv show) about jurisdiction on military bases. I had to open my big mouth. Then he got pissed and told me that I was always right. Not in a loving way, in the "I hate you" way. The way my last significant other spoke to me (even when I wasn't right). I am not always right. It seems that lately, I am unable to communicate with my husband without making him upset. He doesn't yell or anything, he just gets visibly tense. And makes statements that are meant to sting, in a tone that is meant to hurt. I don't even have a license to practice law, and the legal career path is already fucking up my marriage.

Or is it the law thing? Am I just an asshole who always has something to say about everything? That's more likely than the problem being an attempted lawyer. Maybe the type of people attracted to the law are those who are "always right," and thus resented, even hated, by everyone.

Tonight was supposed to be fun, us hanging out together. I bought a bottle of vodka (for me) and two high-quality 6-packs of beer (for him) and ordered a pizza and 30 wings. Yes, we are pigs on occasion and generally healthy the rest of the time. We were supposed to be enjoying time together. That is not happening now. I am upstairs in the freakin' cold office/second bedroom because he thinks I am a jerk and I can't stand to be around anyone who hates me. At least I ate a slice and two wings. You know what he said as I was ascending the stairs with my drink? "You're gonna leave your plate half-eaten, honey?" Why the hell would he call me honey, he doesn't like me. Oh, yeah, the same reason the last guy called me honey: he wants me to think that it's all me and that he doesn't actually despise me (despite the tone of his voice and look in his eye).

Fuck it. That's right, fuck it. Maybe next week I'll be living in a van down by the river (which I have actually done in the past, it only requires membership to a rec center where you can both work out and shower). Now I know why lawyers get divorced and have substance abuse issues (and I'm not even a real lawyer...I've only been trained to think like one). Fuck it.

2008-01-17T13:30:00.000-07:00

Pabelbon is HOT!

Watching a hot man (a pitcher, no less) do a jig in his sliding shorts puts a big grin on my face!

My SWEET, SWEET husband knew I was feeling kinda down today and sent me a link to the above video. Ahhhh. That dance turned me into a Sox fan (my husband loves that, as he grew up in New England - I also cheer for the Patriots, I mean "Hooratriots," when they aren't playing the Bills).

So why am I feeling down today? Well, it appears that Lead Litigation Attorney (LLA), who is out of the office recovering from last week's surgery, is not very happy with my decision to take a leave of absence. She has been communicating via phone or email with everyone in the office. I have received 2 very curt emails from her, which is NOT her usual style. This from the woman who was dying for me to take and pass the bar exam so that the number of women lawyers practicing in an area other than criminal or family in this county could increase by one, and so that the number of female lawyers in this small firm could go from one to two. That sucks.

Secondly, the other litigation paralegal won't speak to me, let alone look at me. Usually we chat periodically throughout the day, but she is avoiding me. And it's not like she's avoiding anyone else. This is difficult when there are a total of 10-14 people in the office at any given time. At some point, you interact with EVERYONE throughout the day. I feel like a pariah.

Granted, one of our two newer associates (both of whom have many years of experience) came into my office this morning and said, "Hey, deserter!" Of course, he was joking. He is the one of the sarcastic, goofy ones in the office. He said he agrees completely with my decision and expects me to kick ass. I WILL KICK ASS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So, when I get a little down about whether the LLA will still want me to be part of the litigation team when I get back, I can just a) think about my wonderful, handsome, loving husband; and/or b) watch Jonathan Papelbon in his sliding shorts.

Sometimes all you need to do is ask

2008-01-15T11:13:00.000-07:00

Wow. I am in shock. After all the anxiety about not being able to balance work and bar review and the workload I have at work and feeling like my only option was to quit, my supervisor said that he didn't want to lose me and that he was sure that the firm would stand behind its commitment to support me in my efforts to pass the bar. So we walked into the office of the managing partner (of course, there are only 2 partners), sat down, I explained where I was coming from and what I wanted - a month off, with next week being my last week - and there was absolutely no resistance. NONE. In fact, the partner said he'd be doing the same thing. They didn't even ask if I would do part time or anything; instead, the partner said he assumed I'd thought about it and decided this was what I wanted to do. As far as covering the workload, I was told they would work it out, it shouldn't be a problem. The partner said he'd speak to the other partner about it, but said "I'll fall out of my chair if he has any problem with this."

NO WAY. I am in shock and so darn grateful and now I am more determined than ever to pass the bar exam!

And I get to come back and move into an office with a window.

Decisions

2008-01-14T09:20:00.001-07:00

It's January 14. That means that there are a mere 6 weeks before the bar exam. Do I feel ready? NO. I have some outstanding tools at my disposal: MBE study software (which I have installed, but barely used), flashcards (which I haven't yet used), hours of lectures on the MBE subjects (my last assignment required listening to about 16 hours of lectures analyzing the answers to an MBE subject by subject), and great outlines with mnemonics. Oh, yeah, and some outstanding outlines and checklists for the essays, for which I haven't even started studying.

I am exhausted mentally when I get home at night. I can barely focus. The weekends are hit or miss, although with the test date fast approaching, I imagine that motivation will not be a factor. My bosses have given me a bunch of extra work, making me more exhausted. I have also been forced into helping with some presentation on Thursday night. NO! I do NOT have TIME for "extracurricular" or volunteer activities. This is the test of my life. I can pass it, but I need more time. I asked one of my bosses (LLA is out for a couple of weeks after having surgery) if I could have more flexibility in my schedule; he gave me a shocked look and said, "not right now."

I NEED MORE TIME. This time around, I have a bar review course that is helping me really understand what I need to know and how to approach the MBE. And great tools that I don't have time to use. Unlike the last two times I tried the bar exam, I now have a very clear idea of how to approach preparation. BUT I NEED MORE TIME. I could make it my full time job and unlike last year at this time, not get bored, because I have such a variety of things I can do to drill the rules into my head. Not to mention the guidance of my tutor/coach and a couple of friends who have offered to help me study. MORE TIME! How do people work full time and study? I spoke with a friend on Saturday who did just that. He, too, failed the first time (passed the second). But he did much better in law school than me and didn't fail by as much as I did first time.

Another friend said that taking the two weeks off before the exam helped her really get everything into her head and helped her feel relaxed. I am not allowed to take that time off, since the other litigation paralegal is taking vacation the week before. I feel like my bosses aren't taking this as seriously as I am. I WANT TO PASS, I CAN PASS...but I need more mental energy and more flexibility at work. They can't give it to me, which makes me think I have to resign. That seems irresponsible, given the fact that my husband is currently unemployed. I also fear the difficult job search all over again. But it also seems irresponsible to be half-assing the test of my life when I know exactly what to do to pass. All I need is to devote more time each day.

This is causing a ton of anxiety. I don't want to leave my job, but I feel like it is the best thing to do. Or is it the worst? Oh, dear God, please send me a message...

Exhausted, But Still Determined

2008-01-06T17:18:00.000-07:00

After spending over 4 hours today listening to lectures explaining the answers behind a practice MBE, I hit a wall. I kept playing spider solitaire and just couldn't focus. I guess that is to be expected. The good news is that things seemed to be making more sense than they did a week ago. Perhaps that is because of my increased protein consumption and decreased alcohol consumption. Of course, the sobriety lasted only a couple of days. I went to see my counselor on Thursday evening, and I left feeling like I had been hit by a semi truck. I bought a bottle of vodka and had two drinks. Then Friday night, which is my usual night off from all things bar exam, I had three drinks. Last night, two. Not bad, considering I was drinking far more than that on a nightly basis a month ago. But I am determined to keep my energy levels high, so none tonight. I have a 5:45am workout and a very full day at work tomorrow. And a lot of lectures to listen to before the end of the week!

How many hours should I be spending on bar review, anyhow? I want to do marathon sessions on the weekend, but there are errands to be run, chores to be done (and ignored), and football to watch. I am close to being done for today, since I need to a) make my lunch for tomorrow, b) make and enjoy dinner for this evening, c) watch the Simpsons (ok, maybe that shouldn't be a priority, but it counts as time with my hubby), and d) get a good night's sleep. I suppose I can fit in a couple more hours after the Simpsons and still get a good 7 hours of sleep.

Despite having a tutor call me on a weekly basis to check my progress and help me with my game plan (my assignment for this week was to review the 2nd pratice MBE while listening to the lectures explaining the answers subject by subject, but pausing the audio before the explanations to choose an answer and see how many I get right), I can't help but feel like I could be doing more. Like typing the handwritten notes I took listening to round one of lectures on each subject, doing practice questions from the testing software I have, reviewing the outlines and mnemonics, and using my flashcards. Alas, there is only so much time in one day and with the job and commute, there are only a couple of hours each weekday during which to accomplish any studying. What is everyone else doing?

Thanks to everyone who commented on my last post. I guess that I am at a decent starting point, considering that I got a 121 and 120 on the previous 2 acutal MBEs I took (giving me the bragging right of failing the bar exam not once, but TWICE). Yes, I have two months and I am going to make the best of it! Let's do it, fellow re-takers!

So overwhelemed...

2008-01-02T16:23:00.000-07:00

Wow, just under 2 months and I will be sitting for the Colorado Bar Exam again. Hopefully, for the last time. I did a practice MBE a couple of weeks ago and did terribly. That may even be an understatement. I got 102 out of 200 correct. Perhaps part of it was that in each session, I was exhausted. I mean, there were points during each session where keeping my eyes open was a serious chore! When I scored the darn thing, I was mortified. Angry, depressed, and ready to give up. However, giving up is not a realistic option. I want to pass the bar exam! It left me feeling like I didn't know what to do next. Listen to all of the lectures over again? Do practice questions? I need to get myself together, remind myself that I CAN do it, and that I absolutely have what it takes and I certainly have the tools. To give myself a clear idea of where to go, I reviewed Frustrated's ( http://frustratedbarexaminee.blogspot.com/) post about how she studied for the MBE. It was quite helpful. I have study software that will allow me to practice questions in study mode, practice mode, or test mode. And it gives analytical answers. So I am going to do exactly what I did with the practice questions i did while listening to my lectures and write out the reasoning behind the right answer for each missed question and just keep a running document. And I will re-listen to the "extra points" lectures (lectures on the most heavily tested topics within each MBE subject). And I will review my outlines and mnemonics before doing practice questions for any given subject.

The other thing that I have vowed to do: not have another drop of alcohol until after the Bar Exam. Maybe ever. So much of my identity is wound up with booze that it is hard to imagine myself without a nightly cocktail in hand. But I know that I will free up some much-needed cognitive ability if I don't constantly cloud it with alcohol. My mind needs a good diet, vitamins, exercise, and sleep to function at optimal level. And I need my mind to function at optimal level in order to pass the bar exam!

Tonight...I'll review contracts and do a bunch of practice questions, and type out the answers and rationales behind the answers that I miss. Tomorrow, evidence, and so on...Here we go, into the final stretch, and I have all the tools that I need to accomplish this, and I WILL SUCCEED!

Destined for Failure

2007-12-27T16:56:00.000-07:00

I just took my first practice MBE. I had the worst time trying to concentrate. In fact, there were some points at which I just couldn't keep my eyes open. How did I do? You would think that having reviewed all of the subjects intensively in the last 6 weeks I would have done alright, but no, I did just about the same as I did during the two real ones which rewarded me with a big, bold, all-caps FAIL on my score report.

What the hell? I am so ready to give up. Oh, yeah, but I gotta pay the bills and no one wants to hire someone with a JD. For anything. Except waiting tables. And I'll tell you what, waiting tables may be fun, but the money is unpredictable, and it takes a toll on an aging girl's body. Not to mention that my dependence on alcohol is completely enabled by working in the food and beverage industry. What to do? Go back to school? Probably not a good time, what with the sweet husband being unemployed.

I have been in therapy (yes, that's right, therapy) for the past few weeks. I've done the counseling thing before, usually when I am so far gone into a cloud of depression that thoughts of permanent sleep start to dominate my thoughts, if and when I have thoughts at all. That was about where I was when I decided to get help this time around. The diagnosis is a little bit different this time: apparently, I have bipolar disorder. It explains a lot (like my wild child phases, during which nobody could ever consider keeping up with me and my affinity for mood-altering substances). It's kind of a relief. It also explains my difficulty focusing and chronic insomnia. Among many, many other things. That could be a major roadblock on my way to becoming something I'm not sure I want to be. Now I have a doctor and a therapist who can help me get it under control.

One of the things my therapist is using on me is called Psych-K (short for psychological kinesiology), which is a way to examine subconscious belief patterns and alter those beliefs that are causing a person to sabotage his or her efforts. I am thrilled about this, because I know I have a long history of sabotaging my own success.

This is me: super intelligent, very artistic, musically talented, and exceptionally athletic. Here are some examples of me trying to not be those things: As for the intelligence part, I've never really had to study, but when I did, it guaranteed the top grades. In high school, I was a straight A student. I didn't study for the SAT (you're supposed to study for that?) got a darn good score. I was admitted early to an Ivy League school. I decided not to go and instead opted for a state school, so I could be closer to my (cheating, loser) boyfriend. In my last semester of college, I was doing an independent study with a professor on media portrayals of different types of crimes. Not only was I going to get credit for the research assistance, but if I had stuck it out, I would also have had the opportunity to co-write the article. I decided to do a lot of extra partying, instead. (I won't go into much discussion about law school, because that is too recent and still too painful, but I randomly decided to take the LSAT 2 weeks before the exam, did a few practice questions, and ultimately scored in the top 8% - not to brag, really, but only to demonstrate my wasted potential).

The musician: I learned to play flute starting in 4th grade, like a lot of kids. I soon distinguished myself and took private lessons. It was beautiful to be able to express myself without actually showing emotions myself; I could let the music do that for me. Nobody got frustrated with me for crying without a logical explanation to back up the tears. By the time I was in 8th grade, I was told by the high school music teacher that I would have to take classes at the Eastman school of music, because there just wasn't anything else they could teach me at my high school's music program. What did I do? I just quit playing altogether. What an idiot!

The athlete: Oh, I always sabotaged my success. Where I went to school, soccer was king. So I played JV soccer my freshman year. And of course did track, since running was just natural to me. Just before my sophomore year, I quit soccer. My dad didn't speak to me for weeks. Even after I came home from school in the first week and said I had been recruited by the cross country running team. His response: laughter. I turned out to be one of the top runners on the team. But, senior year, just a year after we came within millimeters of winning the regional championships (which I really think we might have won, had I not had a wicked case of mono complete with a fever so high that I hallucinated during the race), I was just too tired and didn't try anymore. Hardly tried. It was too much. Did I run in college? Not on your life. Probably would've gotten some money for running at a smaller school, but I was just over it.

I was tired of being, well, actually, I don't know what I was tired of. Being good at everything. Would anyone still care about me if I weren't super smart/athletic/musical? I still don't know. But I can't get rid of my creative self, nor can I get rid of my intellectual self, and I definitely can't get rid of my athletic self. Are you kidding? I think I would die if I didn't run or do some intense physical activity almost every day. I know that I am hurled into a deep, dark, depression every time I go for more than a few days without a run or jaunt on an elliptical trainer. And lifting weights has become a staple, too: there is nothing like feeling strong and seeing the striations in my deltoids and definition in my biceps. If I can't feel strong mentally or emotionally, then at least I can be strong physically.

So what does this all have to do with the bar exam? Well, I haven't completely figured it out, but there is a clear pattern in my life of being on the verge of doing or becoming something really great, and I just quit. I could be a great lawyer; I have been told that by more than one already practicing lawyer. The DA's office where I worked for a while was excited to help me grow into a great prosecutor; my current bosses are amazed at how I can't help analyzing the arguments flying back and forth between our office and various opposing counsel and clearly see me as a litigator.

As much as I want to believe them, I think they are seeing something that is just not there. I may look great on the outside, but the reality is that I am destined for failure.

A big sigh of relief

2007-12-04T12:34:00.001-07:00

Ahhhhhhh....
I like work a lot more this week than I had there for a while. Apparently, the week preceding trial causes anxiety for everyone, not just the newbie who isn't really sure what the heck she's doing. That said, the fact that I am not sitting in a five day jury trial this week is an enormous relief!

A couple of weeks ago one of my complaints was that the people are completely removed from litigation. For the most part, that seems to be true, but yesterday I saw how important these cases are to the people behind them. Judgment was entered (ALREADY!) in the 2 day trial that took place last week. Judgment entered in our clients' favor and they were awarded a good chunk of money. When the attorney who handled the case called them, they were so excited that they jumped up and down and cried. What that victory and award means for them is that they can finally fix the home that the plaintiffs messed up. Knowing that I was working the day after Thanksgiving and stressing out for these people who had been sued for not paying a bill to a company that had made their home nearly unlivable - and having that work pay off for the clients - is actually satisfying. I'd do it again any day. Not to mention that having champagne every time one of the attorneys wins a trial is a lot of fun!

Since we didn't have to rush around preparing for a five day jury trial, the 2 attorneys I support took me to lunch on Friday for my 3 month review. It was a much-needed ego boost after feeling like I had no idea what I was supposed to be doing and feeling horrible about messing things up. They apparently think I am doing a fantastic job; the only thing I need to focus on is trying not to think like a lawyer so much and think like a paralegal. Oh. Yeah, that's right, that IS my job, isn't it? It seems that the paralegal focuses on the procedural details and I am still figuring out what all of those are. It will make me a better lawyer, once I pass the bar exam. I was also told (again) that they would work with me to give me enough time to study in the coming months. Luckily, our calendar is not clogged with trials again until the end of March, so I won't have to stress about trying to fit everything in! Phew. Now I need to focus on the bar exam, the darn bar exam...

How 'Bout Them Buffaloes?

2007-11-24T10:18:00.000-07:00

GO BUFFS!

Nothing makes a Buffs fan happier than seeing their team stomp all over Nebraska. So, although I am really psyched that they won, I am really po'ed cuz I didn't get to watch the game yesterday. That's right: I was at work. Granted, I didn't have to be there until 10am (kickoff time, to be precise), and I got to wear jeans, but I could have been freezing my butt off at Folsom Field to watch CU BEAT NEBRASKA! Or as my husband put it, "F_ that, it's 22 degrees out, watching the game on tv is better!" I figured I would listen to the game on the radio. That didn't happen, either, as I couldn't get the station that broadcasts games to stream on my computer at work. So, I just kept hitting the refresh button on the Buffs webpage all day while making exhibit notebooks.

As mad as I was that I had to work the day after Thanksgiving, it was so laid back that I actually enjoyed it. One of the partners was there, and HE was wearing jeans. LLA ("Lead Litigation Attorney") was in sweats and was listening to the game on the radio in her office (so every time I heard a holler from her end of the office, I knew to click refresh. I listened to music and put together exhibits. All in all, a really chill day at work. And did I mention that CU beat Nebraska? I know, Nebraska isn't all that great this year, so it may not be a huge feat, but that doesn't change the bottom line. Watch out for the Buffs next year, they are a young team that is just gonna get better!

OK, just wanted to publicly gloat a little. I'm gonna go put on my "CU In Court" sweatshirt and run some errands.

This is NOT what I signed up for

2007-11-19T09:02:00.000-07:00

Thanksgiving week...and I may not actually be able to enjoy it. I am being told that I might have to work the day after Thanksgiving. F_ that. I desperately NEED a day off. My anxiety level is the highest it's been since law school. My neck is permanently sore, my belly is constantly upset, and I can't sleep through the night, even when I knock myself out with a few stiff drinks, a bunch of valerian and a couple melatonin. I dread Monday morning. I was in tears this morning as I left the house. I don't like my 40 minute commute. I can't deal with the frenetic pace. I can't deal with knowing that if I become a lawyer, I'll be working 12 hour days and weekends. That is not what I want. I never wanted that. I don't want the pace that I am dealing with now. I am miserable. How dare someone tell me that I can't take the day after Thanksgiving off, because THEY are too unorganized to prepare for trial until 2 days before? Family is supposed to be important. My health is supposed to be important. But between the commute, the constant anxiety of working for litigators, and studying for the stupid bar, my exercise is dwindling, my waistline is expanding, and I feel like I am going to crack. I need a mental health day.

There is part of me that enjoys the work. I don't like Greeley (seriously, if I had wanted to live/work in a place like Greeley, I would've moved to Kansas). But there is nothing about civil litigation that is personally fulfilling. I suppose for some people, it is. But here I am, the woman who always wanted to be a counselor and I am doing work that helps people fight over stupid stuff, and the people are, for the most part, removed from the argument. The same thing I hated from day one in law school. Where are the people? Is there a place for me in the law, or am I just wasting my time? I am honestly starting to wonder if I wouldn't be better off waiting tables somewhere near my home. No commute, built-in exercise, and it's all about the people.

What happened to October?

2007-11-13T10:52:00.000-07:00

Things got so hectic in October that I forgot to breathe. I pushed my little blog world to the back of the proverbial closet. Today, after not thinking about blogging for over a month, I decided to see if any person had been crazy enough to read what I have said. It seems they are. One person left a comment urging me to keep writing...thank you, Coloradodna. Writing is at least as good for me as it is for people who need to hear that they are not alone in their struggle to become lawyers or find their soul's true path. And of course, when life gets crazy, the things that seem to go first are those things that are truly good for you.

October: the Rockies made it to the World Series (so there was a lot of evening drinking and watching baseball); my husband was laid off (so lots of drinking to numb the pain and soothe the associated anxiety); the other litigation paralegal took a 2-week vacation, which meant I functioned in high gear that whole time, trying to cram 60 hours of work into 40; I decided to start studying for the bar exam again. Here is what a typical day has looked like for the past month (and very little will change for a few more months): 6:45am, get up. 7:50am leave for work. 8:30-5:30 (or 6) work. Get to the gym at 6:15/6:30. Workout. Get home around 7:15/7:30. Get lunch, clothes, coffee ready to go for the next day. 8:00-9/9:45 study. Have a drink or 3 with my husband. Go to bed. Start all over again the next day. Some days I didn't study, just worked out, drank and watched baseball. I have been operating in "partly cloudy" conditions for the past month. Oh, who am I kidding? I have been partly cloudy for the better part of my adult life. My remaining couple of brain cells are clinging to life. There is some part of me that knows that I am not taking care of myself, and that I have to do right by my body if I want to pass the bar exam, earn a decent living, feel good, and be a good wife/friend/daughter/sister. I could say it sucks getting old, but, in fact, "Slowing down" is a good thing. I either have to take care of myself or risk failing at everything. I choose the former. So I will replace the post-studying drink with a cup of chamomile tea with my husband. And if I can't sleep, then so be it. I would rather be tired than tired AND feeling partly cloudy. And maybe that little roll that's forming around my belly will cease and desist (helped, of course, by consistent workouts).

Am I admitting to having a problem with alcohol? I am not sure I am ready to announce that to the entire world. But I do know that I have relied for a very long time on a couple stiff vodka drinks to help me sleep at night. I don't even taste it anymore. It is habitual: vodka with diet 7up. The lower calorie way to get a buzz on. I envision myself now enjoying a cup of herbal tea in the evenings in lieu of the poison that knocks me out but keeps the clouds fogging my mind the following day. I envision being able to savor the glass of good wine or a really good ale without having to get a buzz. There is nothing in my life to hide from anymore, only the possibility of a beautiful future to run into with the clearest, sunniest of heads. No more partly cloudy for me.

You Can Take the Waitress Out of the Restaurant...

2007-09-25T15:10:00.000-06:00

But apparently, as it turns out, you can't really take the "restaurant" out of the waitress. Or maybe it would be better just to say "once a waitress, always a waitress." Am I destined to forever be playing a support role in my work? If so, why did I bother with law school? What an expensive way to find out that I am not worth any more money than I was before, in fact, perhaps I am worth less because of those three long, arduous years out of the work force. Oh why didn't I get my MBA? Then I could be working at a job where the billable hour does not hang over my head. It didn't occur to me until recently, after a month on my new job at a small law firm (as a paralegal) that most lawyers work in small firms and a small law firm is a small business. Most small businesses can't afford to give their employees fabulous benefits (especially insurance) and the employees eat most, or all, of the cost. And vacation? If you want to have a generous vacation accrual policy, small businesses are not the place to be. Those lawyers who do have cushy benefits are most likely the ones working inhuman hours at meat-market law firms. Of course, there is nothing I can do now. It is either take and pass the bar exam and deal with my "ideal" job some other time, or wait tables. It is too late now to go back and convince a business school that my real interests are in making an organization function more efficiently and project management-type stuff, especially with the state of my law school transcript. Besides, I'd have a heck of a time convincing any employer to hire me to do anything besides wait tables. I found that out between the miserable months of November 2006 - August 2007. Almost a year. That's just another year added to the useless employment gap on my resume.

Another thing that I am learning while chained to my desk all day: I hate being chained to a desk. Not that I dislike the work (I admit that I even enjoy some of the more mindless tasks periodically), but I need to get up and move around periodically. I need to have ample interaction with other human beings (preferably NOT on the phone) to be satisfied. My deskbound isolation is leading me to become ever more isolated in the rest of my life: I go home, workout, get ready for tomorrow, go to bed, then on the weekends just don't really feel like socializing. Mostly that's because most of my friends are in Boulder, which means driving, which I do plenty of during the week to get to my job in the OPPOSITE direction. Working in socializing would be far easier if I worked in Boulder and could make lunch dates or happy hour dates with friends. The way it is now, lunch is a non-option and happy hour means an extra hour of driving. Maybe I need to work in Boulder. I'll start thinking about that in 2008.

Lawyer Life

2007-09-10T10:06:00.000-06:00

Do all lawyers work 6-7 days a week, most of which are 10-plus hours long? On my long drive to work this morning, I was thinking how glad I am to be a paralegal, since I will never have to go in to the office on weekends. All of the attorneys at the firm where I work (there are a total of 4 at the moment, with another associate to be hired soon) work evenings and weekends. Time off is a rarity. I was thinking about this because I was wondering when the next 3-day weekend might occur. Yes, I have only been in my job for a month and I am already looking forward to the next long weekend. I think it is Thanksgiving, which technically isn't a long weekend. We only get Thanksgiving day iteself off. I plan on taking the following day, even if it means using one of my precious vacation days (we accrue a half day each month we work during the first 2 years we are employed by the firm; after that, it is a full day accrued for each month worked). I realized that it never ends. I found myself feeling jealous of my husband, who works for a company that actually shuts down during the week between Christmas and New Year's, as well as the week of the Fourth of July. Yes, there are people on call to handle emergencies, but the point is, he gets those weeks off, and it doesn't cut into his vacation time one bit.

So these thoughts led to the conclusion (that I have had many times before, from my first semester in law school to the time spent studying last winter for the bar exam) that perhaps I don't want to practice law. And of course, that means not taking the bar exam again. But if not law, then what? I came back to the conclusion that I should have paid attention to my gut and become a counselor. Why I am so drawn to the role of counselor is a complicated issue worthy of its own lengthy post. I think about my brief life as a deputy DA, and remember how I felt trapped in a life with nothing to look forward to - no vacations, no down time. Just taking files home every night and weekend. That was never the life I wanted, and it still isn't. I work to live, not the other way around. Perhaps I could become a teacher. But becoming a teacher or counselor would mean accumulating additional student loan debt and going back to the life of worrying about paying down my massive credit card debt. Fact is, I need to work. I like looking forward to my dull weekends of laying on the couch watching football with my husband, knowing that I'll be able to pay all of my bills this month. But I don't like commuting, and I don't like waking up on Monday knowing that I had a weekend and my bosses didn't. Especially knowing that my next step on the career ladder is to be one of the attorneys working long days and weekends. I don't think that is the life for me.

2007-08-28T09:57:00.000-06:00

In my third week in my new (permanent) job as a paralegal, I am wishing that I had never gone to law school and had just become a paralegal instead. One of the other paralegals in the office said that paralegals do the same thing as attorneys but without all the stress. I am learning that she is right. I do research, draft motions and other court filings, but the burden ultimately falls on the attorney's shoulders. Of course, the attorneys make more money.

Will I even bother taking the bar exam again? I don't know right now. A few weeks ago I was geared up to try again. Now, I just want to have a "normal" life. Go to work, go home, go for a run, spend time with my husband. Pay off my debts and start saving some money. But then again, I am not the type of person who will be satisfied never having accomplished what I set out to do. I may have chosen to enter legal profession for the wrong reasons or without having really understood what the practice of law was all about, but I did make the decision and passing the bar is the final hurdle. I can make up my mind upon passing whether or not I want to practice. Besides, at this point, as I have discovered, there is little else that I can do.

Don't Go to law School If:

2007-08-09T14:28:00.001-06:00

Don't go to law school if you want a good-paying job that has solid benefits and promotion possibilities. If you want that, stay in your job and take additional courses or attend seminars, as necessary. Or get your MBA. Unless you are in a large firm, you aren't going to get much (if anything) in the way of health insurance. At the big firm, you will be working at least 70 hours a week and will really desperately NEED the health insurance someday. Be sure that the plan covers substance abuse treatment.

Oh, to heck with "good pay:" if you want to be assured of a broad range of employment options, don't go to law school. Law school doesn't actually prepare you to do anything except "think like a lawyer." You still actually have to learn the nuts and bolts of being a lawyer. And it certainly doesn't teach you much that is useful in any other occupation. Arguably, it does, but good luck finding someone in the business community who will actually agree and call you for an interview! Even with someone who knows me well presenting my qualifications and resume to the company where he works (MUCH better income potential and better hours than most lawyers), they are not interested in me. What do I know? I am just a law school grad.

Don't go to law school if you like thinking creatively, out of the box, or if, like me, you are what's known as a "systems thinker." I understand a bit about every aspect of an organization, and like to make all the various pieces fit together better. My husband's job and what he is aiming for in his professional career is far more interesting to me than practicing law. He gets to try to make things work better and more efficiently. Let's face it, it is not to the advantage of a lawyer's pocketbook to make things more efficient. The more things are screwed up, the more likely a lawyer can bill more hours.

Don't go to law school if you care about people. You won't hear much about people in your first year of law school. Sure, cases start with actual people, but when an issue gets to the appellate level, the people are all but gone (the exception are criminal cases). By the time you get to courses where people are the focus, you have been brainwashed to not care about them anymore, so that you can get down to the law, which is ridiculously far removed from real people.

I am sure there are many other reasons, but this is a good start. I wish I had known all of this (especially about the job prospects) prior to making that decision. Because one of my main goals was to find a job that kept me interested and paid well with good benefits. Oh well, too late now.

Queen of Indecision

2007-08-07T09:35:00.000-06:00

My morning ritual during this extended period of unemployment interspersed with restaurant work has been to sit in front of the computer with a cup of coffee reading email and surfing the web to find out about whatever my mind decides to wander to. And then I use the computer to procrastinate on whatever it is that happens to be on my to do list for a given day. Today, those items include thank you notes and organizing our office. My sweetie is the best roommate I have ever had, but he is a bit of a pack rat and not the most organized person in the world. So I decided that I would put my organizational skills to work so that I won't go crazy with miscellaneous piles of paper everywhere.

This organizational undertaking is also a means of not having to wonder if I am making the right decision regarding my employment. One of the emails awaiting me this morning was from an attorney who opened a Boulder office of his Denver firm recently and needs a paralegal/office assistant. He will be the only person from the firm in the Boulder office, and he also operates a travel business with his wife from the same location. Cool stuff, really. I interviewed with him on Friday. It was a fun interview, and I really enjoyed him, his wife, and the fact that they are both recovering attorneys who appreciated my legal education and sympathized with my bar exam troubles. As a criminal defense attorney, he suggested that even if I don't work for him I go into work as a criminal investigator. HOW COOL WOULD THAT BE? The other advantage is that his office is in Boulder. My other job offer is from a firm in Greeley. I don't really have anything against Greeley (the courthouse is absolutely beautiful, btw), but all of my friends are in Boulder and Steamboat. And Greeley is really far away from both of those. The advantage of the job in Greeley is that I am pretty much guaranteed work as a practicing attorney, provided someday I manage to pass the bar. The advantage of work in Boulder is that I can have lunch with friends or after work drinks with friends any time. And the environment is totally laid back. Their "conference room" is a patio behind the office. Having spent the majority of my professional life in Steamboat where business deals are made on the mountain as often as in offices (or maybe more so), I really appreciate that.

Of course, the husband and I would love to live in Steamboat someday, and that is something to consider as I make job choices now. While on our way to Steamboat for our wedding, he asked if an attorney could make a decent living in a mountain town. Absolutely! Certainly not as much as an attorney in the city, but enough to live comfortably. I recently saw a posting on the CBA website for a county attorney in Park County, and the salary was around $100K. That is totally doable and would support both of us quite nicely. So what are the big issues lawyers deal with in a mountain town? DUIs, family issues, land use, water, and REAL ESTATE (which is intertwined with land use and water). The job in Greeley? REAL ESTATE and business. Useful for my ultimate goal of going back to the mountains? Absolutely. So why am I so nervous?

I Rock...Seriously

2007-08-06T14:18:00.000-06:00

Last week, I had two interviews and a networking meeting that has promise of someday turning into a job. The first interview was on Thursday morning. Friday I got word from a friend and my ex that they had been called to provide references. Yes, I have a friend (who works in the law school career development office) and an ex (we used to work together at a high-tech startup) on my reference list. At least I know that two of my references were good. The firm was trying to contact me on Friday afternoon, presumably to extend a job offer, and they hadn't even spoken with my ex yet. Of course, I was at a bar (I like bars). Specifically, I was at the bar where I used to work and where I met my fantastic husband. I was meeting an attorney that my brother met while in Steamboat Springs for my wedding. Turns out the guy went to the same law school as me (CU, for those of you who haven't already figured that out) and also grew up in Western NY (GO BILLS). That was really helpful, as he strongly encouraged me not to give up. He said getting a paralegal job would be just the way to get my foot in the door somewhere. He would have offered me a job on the spot, but is having trouble convincing his partner that they should expand their practice. She is nearing retirement, and he is really just getting going. It helps to have someone to watch the Bills and the Buffs with. And someone who will, along with the fabulous husband, not let me give up.

The job offer was officially extended to me this morning, when I called the managing partner of the firm where I interviewed. The job is as a paralegal supporting two litigation attorneys. They are very interested in keeping me around for the long term and helping me pass the bar and practice law with them. Wow. It is a small, friendly law firm that focuses on real estate and business law. Ok, so all my natural resources experience can be of use, maybe. The DA thing always looks good - who else spends every day in court and is comfortable talking to people in black suits and people in orange suits? Whatever it is, they were very impressed with me. FINALLY! So why do I feel anxious about it? One fellow blogger in similar situation commented that she is really going to miss unemployment. I think that I will, too, although I won't miss wondering if I'll be able to pay my bills. Or maybe the anxiety is because the job is in Greeley. What is it with me and Greeley? The DA's office there would love to have me back if I ever pass the bar. Now, I search all over the Front Range of Colorado, willing to travel 40 - 50 miles for work, and the one place that wants me is in Greeley. In fact, it was about one year ago that I was in the DA's office being offered a job. I can't believe how long it has taken (my last day there was the week before Thanksgiving) to find another job, one that will actually pay the bills. This time, I won't have to think about moving. My current location is only 30-35 miles from Greeley, as opposed to the 50-55 mile drive I had when I was there before. I'll take it! I told them I needed to meditate on the offer. I'll go running later and think about it, let it stew in my head and heart for a while. There is absolutely no reason for me to not seize this opportunity. I can still go visit my friends in Steamboat when I need a mountain fix, and I can still visit all my friends in Boulder when I need a hippie-yuppie-pc-granola fix.

So one of the lessons I have gleaned from this experience of bitterness, anger, regret, and absolute hopelessness is this: BELIEVE IN YOURSELF! To all of the similarly situated folks out there, think about what law school and then not passing the bar has done to your ego. The resulting feelings of inadequacy can take root and eat away at you until you believe that you just aren't good enough or smart enough or whatever. Between the hell that is law school and the hell that is an emotionally abusive relationship, I didn't think I was worthy of anything or capable of anything when I took the bar the first time. My confidence was just recovering when I found out that I failed. FAILED? Wow. I lost my job and with it, all belief in myself. While studying for the darn thing the second time around, I was missing that one key ingredient: an underlying belief that I could pass. I am now practicing repeating some version of the following to myself at random intervals throughout the day: Iam smart, talented, hard-w0rking and capable of absolutely anything. I KICK ASS! And when I have trouble getting it through my thick skull (or troubled heart), I throw on some ass-kicking music. Current favorites include Green Day's American Idiot, anything by Rage Against the Machine (I composed my opening argument in a trial to Rage, and then in the courtroom realized the irony of a DA prepping for trial with the encouragement of Rage...I was the machine), Tool, Godsmack, or Ani DiFranco.

Bottom line: any employer who overlooks ME is a fool. Poor people who won't get the benefit of all my talents and visionary approach to all that I do. HA! Watch out, world, I am back on track and not quiting ever again!

Daily Hangover

2007-08-01T10:51:00.000-06:00

Being unemployed has left me with very little to look forward to in the mornings. Well, there is the kiss goodbye from my husband (I can't believe I am using that word in reference to my own marital status) which makes me smile before falling back to sleep. With no reason to have my single brain cell functioning in the mornings, I spend my evenings with vodka and bad tv mixed in with baseball. Numbing the pain. Blurring reality. I am not supposed to be in pain; I just got married! I am supposed to be experiencing the ultimate bliss! Well, I suppose that I am blissful about the fabulous man who, for some strange reason, completely adores me despite my credit card debt, lack of employment and apparent inability to pass the bar exam.

So when I finally convince myself to get out of bed the past few days, I am in a condition that I call "partly cloudy." Thinking back, that is how I spent all of law school. Besides the misery that law school itself can produce, I was in an abusive relationship. Trying to numb reality was necessary for survival. Not to mention that reading cases can be far more interesting in an altered state!

I just found out that I was not selected for the paralegal job with the solo practitioner. He found a paralegal (not attorney) with family law experience and decided she would be more affordable. Seriously, people: My salary requirements are not great. I know what I would like to earn; but what I am willing to accept is an entirely different story. What is the deal with attorneys not wanting to hire JDs to work as support staff? What is it with all employers not wanting to hire JDs for ANYTHING? EMPLOYERS: I am intelligent, hard working, have excellent organizational skills, am detail-oriented, and have great research and writing skills. I have experience in benefits administration, office management, accounting, IT, and non-profit administration. I am able to multi-task, and can work effectively both as part of a team and independently. To top it off, I am very friendly!

That's just the non-legal stuff. And doesn't even touch on my volunteer experiences, most of which involve counseling. Yes, the girl who found herself the victim of abuse during law school was formerly a victim advocate. If any of my readers know of someone in Colorado who is in need of any or all of the above-mentioned skills, please let me know! The Daily Hangover is getting old!

Regrets

2007-07-30T11:13:00.001-06:00

The only thing that I don't regret about having gone to law school was that was the reason I moved to Boulder. If I hadn't done that, I wouldn't have met the man I married (hooray, we've survived a week of marriage). Other than that, it was useless. I can't even get a paralegal job or an admin assistant job. I had high hopes for the job working for the solo practitioner, but I haven't heard anything and feel like that might not be a good sign. I wish I could afford to go back to school and get a USEFUL degree, but then I would end up with enough debt to equal a mortgage on a condo.
I am trying so hard not to hate myself right now. It is damn near impossible. I can only keep the positive thinking going for so long. I feel weak. I just want to crawl into a hole and die.

Facing the Truth

2007-07-13T10:41:00.001-06:00

This past week has been one of the most miserable in the last few years. Yes, even worse than when I found out I failed the bar exam. Training in a new waitressing position sent me spiraling into an abyss of self-hatred and despair. Finally, in an email to my fiance trying to explain my circuitous and not completely logical path to law school, I realized a few things about myself:

1. I have spent the better part of the past 5-7 years trying to get myself in a career position where I would never have to wait tables again.

2. The past 5 years has also been spent trying to find a "profession" where I would be something more than someone's administrative assistant. That was the job title I started with at a couple of organizations, but always ended up doing much more and having more responsibility without much more money. I knew that I wanted more independence, more intellectually challenging work, more professional growth opportunity and a better income.

3. Waiting tables makes me think that there are no other choices left; that the end has come and I will never make anything of myself.

4. I have spent a significant amount of energy trying to convince myself that waiting tables is fun, that I like it, that some law firm will look past that irrelevant experience once I pass the bar.

5. I hate late nights, and working weekends (unless I am working at home; as much as preparing for trials on the weekend annoyed me, at least I got to do it while watching football): having time to spend with my family - my fiance - is very important to me.

When all of this is combined, along with the nagging notion that I should've done the MSW thing instead, I realize that if the only thing my law degree prepares me to do is be a lawyer, then I am going to DO IT! Numerous people, from career counselors to recruiters to attorneys tell me that the longer I am away from the practice of law the harder it is to get back in. In fact, there is an article about this challenge in the current issue of ABA Journal. The attorneys profiled in that article, unlike me, had years of experience practicing prior to their hiatus from the law.
I am going to find work as a paralegal/legal assistant and get valuable experience and study for the February bar. AND I WILL PASS THE DAMN THING!

Knowing that memorization is just not my thing, I am going to focus really hard on the MBE, success on which seems to require a lot of rote memorization. I am going to start reading the outlines every day (a different one every day) after my wedding. And using flashcards. Yes, that means I am giving myself about 7 months to study. It will be much less overwhelming that way, and I won't have to worry about my inability to sit still for extended periods.

Any advice on memorization techniques would be most welcome.

19th Nervous Breakdown

2007-07-11T15:28:00.000-06:00

Maybe 20th. Maybe it's more. But last night I drove my wonderful, ever-patient, loving fiance to smoke a cigarette. He hadn't smoked in weeks (well, maybe one or two when he visits the bar).
He was late coming home from his softball game. He had gone to the bar (I trust this man completely; I don't care if he goes to the bar after a game, the bar he visits is the one where we met and I used to work, so I know his routine in there). He is usually really good about calling me and letting me know he'll be later than initially anticipated. I was drinking, trying to drown the stress of not knowing what I want to do in life. And I was so desperate to talk to him and get his advice. This man always says exactly what I need to hear and puts my scattered thoughts and emotions into perspective for me. Last night, I cried and freaked out and kept telling him that I am a loser and that he deserves so much better. This is the second time in 2 weeks that I have had such a colossal emotional meltdown. He hasn't kicked me out yet, and his love still seems strong. How long will this last? How many more meltdowns before he loses his patience with me? I have already lost patience with myself; the fact that he still loves me is astounding.

The best girl advice comes from my bartender friend, my wonderful maid of honor (ok, the only bridesmaid) in my upcoming wedding. She told me that sometimes, guys like to get flowers, too. And that when she has emotional meltdowns, she thanks her husband for putting up with her craziness. It seems very logical. I don't know if my sweetie likes flowers, but I can give it a try. And he deserves a huge thank you. I am eternally grateful for his love and patience and support. He believes in me more than I do, most of the time. I ought to take his lead, be true to myself and just believe that I will get to where I need to go. If only believing in myself were as easy as writing it.

Money or Meaningful Work in My Field?

2007-07-10T16:54:00.000-06:00

Isn't that an age-old question. I saw on Craigs List a posting for a family law paralegal for a 2-attorney firm in Boulder. Turns out that the younger attorney was one of my former regulars at my last waitressing job. So I called her to see what her boss' opinion would be on hiring a JD for that position. The boss answered the phone, and was very happy to talk to me. He was delighted to have a JD interested in the position. Of course, it seems the going rate for a paralegal in Boulder is only 25-35K per year. I told him all I want is 40K, and I'll be happy. He said that eventually, as I get more proficient and can bill more hours, he could probably get me there. Ultimately, I could work as an attorney, provided I manage to pass the bar exam someday. But I just got hired to train as a manager in a restaurant where I am almost positive they are willing to give me a little more than the meager 40K. (An aside: I have lived in a van down by the river; my needs aren't great, just to pay off the credit cards and the car and to feed myself and soon-to-be-hubby healthy food.) Of course, I accepted the position without asking. Talk about desperate for a paycheck! The thought of helping people have fun (in the restaurant) is appealing, but so is helping people get through some of the toughest times of their lives (divorce, sex assault, and domestic violence). The thought of getting home at 3am and not seeing my honey awake is quite unappealing. So, if I am offered a job as a paralegal in Boulder, I get to decide between income on which I know I can survive (and make a meaningful contribution to the shared expenses) and work in my field on a pretty darn low salary.

I wish I could be clear about what I want and what is important in the grand scheme of things. When it comes to advising other people in their decisions, I have never had a problem. When it comes to making good decisions for myself, I fall apart. In fact, I am supposed to go in for round 2 of training at the restaurant and I am using this blog as a way to recover from a panic attack. THAT is how much anxiety this whole thing is producing.

2007-07-09T08:24:00.001-06:00

Today I start a new job - as a waitress. It seems I can't get away from it. I just need a stable source of income. This restaurant has way more business than the one where I worked during the winter, so paying the bills should not be a problem. It is hopefully going to turn into a management position in a couple of weeks, so I should have a salary at that point. No, not a lawyer's salary, but it shouldn't be too far from what a Deputy DA makes, either.

Should I be happy or angry? I vacilate between the two emotions. On the one hand, I am happy to have work. That means I know that I will be able to pay my bills from month to month and that will do a lot for my stress levels. On the other, I am angry that I spent all that money on a legal education that has left me unqualified to do anything but wait tables. I did not need to go to law school for that; I was a fantastic waitress well before law school was even a thought. I am also angry that even if I HAD passed the bar exam in February, I would likely be in the same exact position as I am now. Sure, the DA's office wanted me to go back, but just a week before finding out that I had failed the first time, I actually had the thought that I hoped I failed so that I wouldn't have to deal with the long days and weekend work (the only time to prep for trial is on the weekend). Now I sometimes regret having that thought.

That brings me back to being happy about my employment as a waitress: it is far less stressful, and your work can be left at work. And generally, people are far more happy when I give them good food and beverage than when I am giving them a jail sentence. I love food, beverage, and talking to people. So the hospitality business is a great match for me. But if this is truly my "path," why did I have to go to law school to figure it out?

Back again to the anger: I spent years struggling to put as much distance as possible between myself and waitressing. I wanted a "real" job where I had evenings and weekends off. I worked a number of various jobs, mostly with the title "Administrative Assistant," but all with far more responsibilities than that title could possibly convey (HR, IT, Accouting and research are all on my resume). I had a strong desire for a career. One job was with a mental health center, and they were so impressed by my interactions with clients that they were going to help me earn a master's degree in social work or psychology so that I could become a counselor. Interestingly, my first grad school attempt was in a Master's of Social Work program, so that I could become a counselor. But I had already accepted a slightly higher-paying job at a high-tech startup. Then on to the foundation, right before the money dried up and paychecks stopped coming at the startup. Then a temp job in a corporate legal department when I had the crazy notion that I wanted to live in Ohio. Then back to Colorado for a summer with a land trust. Then law school. There is very little continuity between my many experiences and that is most likely why employers are less than excited about the waitress with a law degree.

If I had to do it over? I wouldn't go to law school. I'd go get my Master's in Psychology/Counseling or Social Work. What can I do about it now? Nothing, just keep going in whatever way the universe takes me with a smile on my face.

100 Miles a day

2007-07-06T16:45:00.000-06:00

Yes, that is how far I have driven each day for employment. And it wasn't just ANY 100 miles: it was 50 miles on I-25. It took over an hour on Monday evening just to get about 15 miles. The experience has taught me that I am not the commuter type. If there is a commuter type. Perhaps I should say that the experience reminded me that I don't like to drive 100 miles a day. I did that when I was at the DA's office, too. I am starting to feel the effects of nearly 3 hours a day in the car: stiff shoulders, sore neck, and a strong desire to put down a couple drinks after getting home.
However, the work has been worth it. The office was eerily quiet most of the week, probably because of the midweek holiday. But I was kept busy enough and treated with the utmost respect by attorneys and support staff alike. Everyone is just plain nice. It was quite refreshing to discover and entire firm of nice attorneys. Maybe there is hope for me after all. And nobody seemed to judge me based on my fantastic lack of success with the bar exam. Perhaps the best part was that, although I am here filling in for a secretary, everyone was informed that I had a J.D. This morning, one of the attorneys approached me and asked, "So you're an attorney?" My response was "well, sort of." Failing the bar exam has made me feel more like a waitress and less like a lawyer. But apparently that's what you are when you graduate from law shcool. It felt good to be reminded of that fact by an attorney who has passed the bar.

2007-06-29T13:02:00.000-06:00

How far is too far to drive for a job? I have been pondering this question quite a bit, particularly since my temp job next week is almost 50 miles from where I live. Back in March, I turned down a temporary placement as a compliance specialist (no bar passage required, but JD preferred) because it was 50 miles away. When I was at the DA's office, I drove just over 50 miles each way. It drove me nuts. But now that I am wondering when I'll be able to buy groceries again, I wonder why I turned down that job back in March. It most likely would have turned into something permanent. So I am really kicking myself. I know, there is nothing I can do now (I did try to offer myself up to the same company recently, and they were no longer interested in me).

When I lived in the mountains, I never had more than a 15 minute commute, unless I rode my bike instead of drove, and then it could be up to 30 minutes. I was hoping that, since my fiance has a 15 minute commute, I could aspire to the same thing. Now I am beginning to re-think that. Sure, it is important to have priorities, but I think at this point my priority is a JOB. Anywhere. I'll deal with the commute when the cards are stacked in my favor (more experience, money to buy a house in between my job and his) rather than against me.

Work for a week

2007-06-27T15:09:00.001-06:00

A friend told me about a legal staffing agency that actually WILL place JDs in legal support positions. The women at this agency thought I was fantastic, pretty amazing, considering I haven't been feeling too fantastic lately. Unlike other legal staffing agencies, they thought my combination of environmental and criminal experience was impressive. Although I am not the best with a dictation machine, my other skills (I scored 100% on the Word test) impressed them quite a bit. Well, glad somebody is impressed. Before I even left they had a job for me for next week (excluding the 4th). THANK GOD! Down to my last few bucks and another round of bills coming up. My last temping experience was not in a legal setting and the pay was pretty low, so it'll be great to do something in a field that I have actually trained for! I don't care if I will be working as a legal assistant, it's still in the legal field! Having a JD does not make me a snob. Sure, it turns some people into snobs. But those are the people who went straight from undergrad to law school all on their parents' dime. (Apologies to those who fit that profile and are humble)

Yesterday was one of the lowest points in my life. There have been quite a few of those since December. I feel bad for my fiance, but I am eternally grateful for his undying love and support. Yesterday I sent him an email explaining my feelings of hopelessness. His response: nothing is hopeless except his love for me. Awww. That is so sweet. Despite that sentiment, I found myself having to fake a smile just to get through interview number 2 for the restaurant job. Though the interview went well, I returned home and continued to feel bad about myself. I drank too much vodka, which made it worse. My finance told me to stop feeling sorry for myself. Right, I won't feel sorry for myself until the creditors come knocking. But really, this whole non-employment thing has tested my resolve (isn't that one of W's favorite words?) beyond anything else since law school. Oh, yeah, and taking and failing the bar exam twice.

The oh-so-useful law degree

2007-06-26T10:49:00.000-06:00

Who am I kidding? The bar exam is a way of keeping potentially good people out of the legal profession. I have had it with the legal profession. The whole process of becoming a lawyer is closer to the hazing that occurs as part of initiation into a fraternity or sorority. They start with scaring the hell out of you in your first year of law school, then continue by overloading you with work in your second year, then encourage you to become part of the OCI rat race during both second and third years. You are further scared into sacrificing grades for a job search during your third year, lest you end up like me, broke and unemployed a year after graduation. The hazing continues with the bar exam, beginning with the monotony and overload of information in the standard bar review course. The bar exam bears little, if any, resemblance to what a lawyer actually does. The grading of the bar exam is at the whim of random lawyers and law clerks. Kind of like law reviews: articles are edited at the whim of a bunch of 2nd and 3rd year law students. In most other disciplines, scholarly publications are reviewed by peers - other people who are already established in their fields. Not so with law, where someone who thinks s/he knows something just because s/he is at such-and-such law school on such-and-such law review/journal reviews "scholarly" writing. Most of those people have never even held jobs and they decide the fate of authors. That's the way it was always done and that's the way it always will be. If one person had to put up with it, so do the rest. And thus we perpetuate the ritual of hazing people to become part of the legal profession.

I am sick of it. I am also sick of looking for jobs and finding that my law degree is a liability, rather than an asset. I apply for paralegal jobs, and the general response is "JDs need not apply." As for associate jobs, I get the "we are not looking for associates at this time," or "we are seeking someone with more experience and a current license." I have applied for numerous law clerk and judicial assistant positions within the state court system, and I have only received one rejection letter. They don't even acknowledge me the rest of the time.

Outside of the law, I encounter similar problems. Prior to law school, I worked for a few different organizations and amassed a large number of invaluable skills applicable in any organizational setting: HR, IT, project coordination, accounting, and victim advocacy, among other things. I revise and re-revise my resume over and over, targeting different job categories. I think most of the time, my resume gets tossed into some pile, paper or electronic, and probably laughed at. I guess that most hiring people look at it and say, "why would she want to do this?! After all, she's a lawyer." That is exactly what the boss of one of my friends said, after my friend submitted my resume for a project manager position. Yes, lawyers, everyone thinks. There is some mystique that is apparently protected by the hazing ritual of becoming a lawyer. Nobody understands what it is all about except the people who have been through it. So the mystique, although largely false, continues about the law. People who don't know think lawyers are rich, powerful, smart (ok, generally, most of us are smart, but I conducted a couple plea negotiations while at the DAs office where I felt like I had to dumb myself down so the defense attorney could understand me) and just altogether exotic in some weird way.

Yes, lawyers are certainly exotic. We end up, after an altogether unsuccessful job search (whether or not we pass the bar) doing things like teaching high school, working as truck drivers, and of course, waiting tables and bartending. The oh-so-exotic and intellectually challenging life of a J.D. The degree is about as useful as any other doctorate degree. I am just glad I never could afford to have it framed: I would have smashed it to pieces and burned it weeks ago.

Feeling desperate and scared

2007-06-25T07:54:00.000-06:00

I just don't know what to do. I want to bury my head in my hands and cry. I haven't worked in several weeks, and am wondering whether or not to declare bankruptcy. I am eternally grateful to my fiance for being so patient and for giving me a roof over my head. But, unfortunately, bad habits and an irresponsible ex left me loaded with credit card debt. The bills just need to get paid. I have posted my car for sale on Craigs List, and have not even gotten a bite. I thought that selling it would help, since I owe significantly less on it than what it is worth. Then I could fix up my fiance's old car (totally paid off) and use that, and still have some money left to pay the bills until I find a job.

It really may be back to waiting tables. I wonder how long I can go not working in the legal profession and still be taken somewhat seriously when I do finally pass the bar. Any comments on this topic, kind words, or encouragement would be helpful. I submitted my resume for a restaurant management position. They want to talk to me today. I am terrified that if I do that, I won't be able to ever find a legal job! Of course, it would be salaried and I would be able to put my mind at ease, at least for a while.

I am confused, scared, and broke (with a wedding coming up in three weeks - how will I buy favors and make my reception decorations with no money?) I need a divine intervention - HELP!

Waiting tables is good experience for a trial lawyer

2007-06-24T14:02:00.001-06:00

Maybe going back to waiting tables is not so bad. As a fellow blogger kindly pointed out, I can get my DA job back (once I pass the bar exam). That made me think of something my former boss said to me at the Colorado District Attorney's Council conference last fall. He told me that the famous trial lawyer, Gerry Spence, once said that to be a great trial lawyer, law school grads should burn their law degrees and go be a bartender or waiter for a few years.

It's true, the skills needed in the courtroom are very similar to those needed in a restaurant: the ability to think on your feet, to read people, and to get all types of people to like you. I don't know how many times I went to court in my short tenure as a DDA and had no idea what to say, but figured it out pretty quickly!

So, perhaps it isn't so bad to be a waitress with a law degree. I just need to figure out how to pass the darn bar exam.

Thoughts on failing the bar exam

2007-06-22T14:50:00.000-06:00

If I had known how difficult it would be to find a job after graduating from law school, I would not have gone. I had a job as a Deputy DA - until I failed the bar exam. I didn't think that I would have any trouble finding a job as a legal assistant, law clerk, or paralegal, but I was wrong. I became a waitress, again. I like waiting tables: I get to talk to people and help them enjoy themselves. But it just isn't all that intellectually stimulating. And the money at the restaurant where I was working just wasn't all that great. So I kept searching for a job. In fact, I am pretty sure now that my obsession over finding long-term employment at a livable wage (my needs aren't great, but I do have a lot of bills) is the reason I failed the bar exam again.

Twice? What a bunch of b.s. I really just want a job, and apparently lawyers aren't hiring anyone like me to do anything! I have this constant feeling that even if I did pass the February bar exam, I would still be looking for a job. Am I really destined to be "Waitress, J.D." for the rest of my life? Next week I will be looking for a new waitressing job. One that will pay the bills. So glad I went to law school.